The Art Of Getting Others To Listen

Why is it so hard to get others to listen?

What theory do you have?

The number one complaint that most couples have when they sit down in a marriage counselor’s office is that they’re having trouble with communication. 

The number one communication problem is that they don’t feel like the other person is listening.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were trying to get someone to listen and it just wasn’t happening? Maybe it’s a parent trying to talk to a teen. Or a teen trying to talk to a parent.

A boss with an employee, or an employee trying to talk to a boss.

Who are you having a hard time getting to listen to you?

I remember my first experience with this was in the first year of our marriage. My wife literally grabbed me by the earlobe in our apartment and dragged me to the vehicle while saying, “come on, we’re going to a class on communication. You need to learn how to listen.”

What? Meeee? I thought I was the best listener that I’d ever met.

When we arrived at the class, I sat in the back with my arms crossed and glared at the instructors. The instructors were sweet people.

They were very skilled counselors who knew their stuff.

It was a six session class. By the fifth session, I was actually starting to get it. I was hearing what I wanted to hear, not what my wife was saying.

Whoa!

Even a year later I could still remember their teaching and I was still improving. I was so impressed that I went and got the training to be an instructor.

If you want to increase the chance of someone else listening to you, you need to first clarify your goal.

The goal is to maximize the likelihood that they accurately understand and acknowledge your message.

The goal is NOT to get them to agree with you or to robotically do whatever you want. 

Forcing them to agree with you and do your bidding is manipulation. Manipulation alienates.

Think of the process like a garden.

Think of their mind as a garden with fertile soil. The problem is that their garden is well hidden and well guarded by a formidable gate.

The gate to their garden has a default position of being tightly closed. It can be opened, but only under very strict circumstances and terms.

Those circumstances and terms are the key to the gate.

But…and it’s a very important BUT…you’d better be prepared with high quality seed before you open the gate.

The seed is your message. The idea is to plant your seed in the fertile soil in their garden behind the gate at exactly the right time, then to have it germinate.

If that doesn’t happen then…epic fail.

So, start with your seed. Your seed is your message and your message should be condensed into one sentence. No more.

If it takes more than one sentence, then it may be more than one message. I assure you that most people can’t handle more than one message at a time and have a high quality outcome.

Once you condense it into one sentence, make sure the sentence makes sense. Run it by someone else.

If they can’t understand what your message is, then neither will your targeted listener.

Once your seed is ready, then it’s time to open their gate.

Here’s how you can open their gate: Listen.

When you accurately listen to other people and understand their message to their satisfaction, their gate begins to slowly open. As you keep listening accurately, their gate eventually opens fully.

You’ll know they’re ready to receive your message when they say something like, “So, what do you think?”

It helps to use language they’re comfortable with, use stories to illustrate your point, time it for a time when they’re most likely to be able to pay attention, be aware of your non-verbals, use silence, and…trust the process.

If it doesn’t work, start over by refining your seed. Keep trying until you get really good at it.

Many years ago a mother came in with her 4 year old daughter, Cindy. Mother was convinced that Cindy was psychotic.

She was convinced that Cindy was psychotic because Cindy would walk around the room as if mom didn’t exist. No matter what mom said, Cindy behaved as if no one else was in the room.

Mom had Cindy’s hearing checked. It was perfectly normal.

She took her to the doctor. Doc said she was fine.

While we were talking, Cindy walked over to my television set and began pushing buttons. Mom screamed at her, “Cindy! Get away from that television set. Don’t touch it!” Cindy behaved as if she were the only person in the room.

I asked mom if she would mind doing an experiment. She said she would, she was desperate.

I told mom, that when I gave the word, she was to simply whisper Cindy’s name. Mom looked at me like I was insane. I asked if she would do it anyway. She reluctantly agreed.

When I signaled mom, she whispered Cindy’s name, “Cindy.” Cindy immediately turned around and looked straight into her mother’s eyes.

Mom yelled, “it’s a MIRACLE!”

Maybe. Or maybe Cindy had tuned out anything above certain decibels. When mom used a volume that was more receivable, Cindy immediately acknowledged the message.

Watch the video on this page for more explanation about how to plant your seed.

John Mason