Forgiving Others And Yourself
What is forgiveness?
Someone once said that unforgiveness is like poisoning yourself and hoping the other person dies.
Why is forgiveness necessary?
To sin against God is to violate one or more of His conditions that He has established. To sin against a person is to violate or offend them in some way.
When you sin against God it means that you can’t undo what you did.
The consequences of violating a covenant made with God are infinitely severe. The covenant is established in the first place by the shedding of blood. That shedding of blood represents what will happen to either party who breaks the covenant. When you sin, you’ve broken the covenant. According to the terms of the covenant with God, if you sin, you die.
God is pure, good, and holy. God is also merciful, loving, and deeply desires a loving relationship with us. Under certain conditions, God can forgive us for violating His conditions that He’s established for His Kingdom.
Has anyone ever done something that violated you? Some kind of an offense that hurt you, offended you, or threatened you? Our human tendency is to create a wall and categorize the other as a threat.
We are very likely to move into the 3 R’s-Resistance, Resentment, and Revenge.
Resistance means that we create a wall. We push back on them to keep them away. We forbid them to be close.
Resentment means that we classify them as an enemy. We focus on the pain of the hurt and the threat. Many people are so afraid of being hurt again that they keep the resentment alive and even increase it in the belief that it somehow gives them power, an edge, and an insurance policy about even accidentally trusting the one who hurt them.
Revenge means that we do something to hurt the one who hurt us. We may justify it by believing that it will “teach them a lesson,” or, “make them feel how we felt,” or, “balance the scales” for what was done to us. For many it’s a full intention for the other to literally die to neutralize the threat.
It seems to be very natural and easy to justify living in the 3 R’s in response to being hurt. However, even if you succeed at killing the violator, it still doesn’t solve the big problem, does it?
We can’t have a relationship with God apart from covenant. That’s just how God does things. At the same time, we can’t seem to keep from breaking the terms of covenant with God and sinning.
As a result, we deserve death, according to the very terms of His covenant.
God has created a way for us to solve that problem. He’s created a way for us to be forgiven. Forgiveness is the antidote to breach of covenant.
Forgiveness isn’t something any of us deserve. God has provided forgiveness first of all because it’s in His loving nature, and secondly because it’s the only way we can have a relationship with Him. After all, we’ve pretty well mucked up keeping His covenant.
On our end, we must be remorseful, repentant, and desire to be reunited with God. The Bible says that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9.
It doesn’t stop there. As a result of His forgiveness, He also expects us to be like Him and for us to forgive others. Matthew 6:12-19: “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Which leads us to talk about being hurt and offended by others. God doesn’t specify how much or what kind of hurt. He doesn’t specify how offended or what kind of offense. Apparently He means ALL hurts and offenses are to be forgiven.
We’re not allowed to take revenge. Romans 12:19 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
Forgiving is crucial to having a relationship with our Holy, Loving, Living God. Not just being forgiven, but also forgiving ALL others of ALL offenses. It also plays a role in our healing, James 5:16 “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
Why isn’t it working?
After decades of being a counselor and working with thousands of clients, it was abundantly evident that most of them were unable to have a relationship with God, unable to have a successful marriage, unable to be healed, and unable to move forward, due to unforgiveness.
So many of them had already seen their ministers or priests and could quote the scriptures better than me. Yet, they were not only remaining in the gall of bitterness, they were getting worse!
Lecturing them and admonishing them didn’t improve anything. It just dug them deeper.
In order to help, I used my main skill; the skill of listening. A little bit of listening can reveal a lot.
It turns out there is a tremendously huge misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually is and what it means.
By far the majority of ministers whom I’ve met have no idea what forgiveness really is.
In fact, there have been books written by famous ministers teaching people to “Forgive and Forget,” and if you don’t forgive and forget, you’re going to hell!
That is NOT Biblical teaching. The Bible does not teach us to “Forgive and Forget.”
The Bible certainly DOES teach us to forgive! I’m not aware of anywhere that the Bible says to forget.
I’ve heard many ministers (and others) teach that if you say that you forgive someone, then you have to forget what they did. If you still can remember what they did, then you haven’t forgiven them.
That’s a complete lie.
Others say that they could forgive the perpetrator if they only knew that the perpetrator “didn’t mean it.” Some believe that if they forgive the perpetrator then it means that they are condoning what the perpetrator did and it’s all “OK” that the perpetrator did what they did.
I’ve heard very conservative preachers teach that we only need to forgive if the perpetrator comes to us remorsefully and asks for forgiveness.
Again, these are all completely false teaching.
What forgiveness really is.
The truth is simple. Forgiveness technically is an accounting term.
A couple of thousand years ago, if you were doing business with someone, they’d be keeping track either in stone, or on parchment of what was being bought, borrowed, and paid for. They didn’t have computers like we have today.
If you bought inventory on credit, there would be a tally of what you owed. If you failed to pay it back, and let’s say you just couldn’t pay it back, the lender could choose to write it off and “forgive” the debt.
The way they’d forgive the debt is to draw a line through it. That means they cancelled the debt. Technically, they were paying the debt for you. It was a form of mercy and kindness.
Sure, they could also throw you in prison, But, that wouldn’t have been called forgiving the debt.
So, when the lender drew a line through the balance, they were also said to be “forgetting” the debt. They would no longer remember the debt against you later on when it came time to “bill” you for inventory or services.
“Forgetting” had nothing to do with brain cells or conscious recall. They could still see the parchment indicated a debt. They could remember that they drew a line through it. But, they would not hold it against you.
That’s what God did. When His people would repent and return to them and ask forgiveness, He’d draw a line through it. He “forgot” the debt, but He didn’t forget that it ever happened.
Eventually God sent Jesus Christ to pay the final bill for all debts past and present. Completely.
That’s huge news!
Now we’re expected to do likewise. We’re to cancel all debts against us. We forgive even if the other person very clearly meant to do us harm in the most hideous way. We forgive realizing that in no way are we condoning anything.
While living in California, my wife Elaine had just given birth to our beautiful daughter. We had a pickup truck loaded with the carseat and all kinds of personal possessions. We were in the early stages of getting ready to move back to Colorado.
One evening someone stole our pickup truck!
The next day, a neighbor friend drove us to work. On our way, our pickup went driving past us!
We were able to easily identify the thief to the police. He didn’t even try to run.
The thief stole everything having to do with our baby, including a new camera with lots of pictures on them.
I knew Jesus was expecting me to forgive him completely. I did.
It doesn’t matter why he did it. My forgiveness was complete and I was the one who was freed.
Sometimes we need supernatural help.
Many years ago I was teaching an adult Sunday School class on forgiveness. I gave the assignment for everyone to go home and ask God to bring to mind anyone we needed to forgive.
On the way home I prayed that prayer, too. By the time I arrived home, I had a clear image of a guy I’d known on my block growing up. I thought it was so nostalgic because I hadn’t thought of him in 30 years!
His image was right in front of my face. Day and night. For 3 days! It was getting really annoying.
It didn’t even dawn on me what was happening until the 3rd day. Every time I closed my eyes, there he was. In the middle of the night I’d wake up, and there he was.
On a conscious level, I had NO idea that I had any resentment about him.
Finally, I asked God to take the image away. God reminded me of the assignment. Whoa!
I said, “In the Name of Jesus Christ and as an act of my will, I forgive Joel!” Instantly the image was gone. It never came back.
Sometimes we can’t forgive on our own. We need God’s help.
Some things are just too big.
If you’re facing a hurt too big to forgive on your own, start with the words that I used to forgive Joel. “In the Name of Jesus Christ and as an act of my will, I forgive ________________.” If it works, great, just move on.
If not, ask God to apply His supernatural power to help you forgive and let go of your hurt and resentment. Make sure you’re truly ready to let it go, otherwise God will not force you.
Forgive yourself.
While you’re at it, make a list of everything you need to forgive yourself for. Then, forgive yourself. You’re one of those that God wants you to forgive.
Forgiveness is for you. It’s for you to have a healthy relationship with your Heavenly Father. It’s for you to be free to heal, be whole, and holy.
Get started today and practice forgiveness every day from now on.
John Mason
